….Let the farmer, so far as I am concerned, be damned forevermore. To Hell with him, and bad luck to him. He is a tedious fraud and ignoramus, a cheap rogue and hypocrite, the eternal Jack of the human pack. He deserves all that he ever suffers under our economic system, and more. Any city man, not insane, who sheds tears for him is shedding tears of the crocodile.
No more grasping, selfish and dishonest mammal, indeed, is known to students of the Anthropoidea. When the going is good for him he robs the rest of us up to the extreme limit of our endurance; when the going is bad be comes bawling for help out of the public till. Has anyone ever heard of a farmer making any sacrifice of his own interests, however slight, to the common good? Has anyone ever heard of a farmer practising or advocating any political idea that was not absolutely self-seeking–that was not, in fact, deliberately designed to loot the rest of us to his gain? Greenbackism, free silver, the government guarantee of prices, bonuses, all the complex fiscal imbecilities of the cow State John Baptists–these are the contributions of the virtuous husbandmen to American political theory. There has never been a time, in good seasons or bad, when his hands were not itching for more; there has never been a time when he was not ready to support any charlatan, however grotesque, who promised to get it for him. Only one issue ever fetches him, and that is the issue of his own profit. He must be promised something definite and valuable, to be paid to him alone, or he is off after some other mountebank. He simply cannot imagine himself as a citizen of a commonwealth, in duty bound to give as well as take; he can imagine himself only as getting all and giving nothing.
I fondly recall this hilarious screed every year at budget-making time, when Kent Conrad and his Midwestern Mafia begin demanding a "Great Plains - Sized" slice of the federal pie. As a taxpayer from the East, I long ago resigned myself to getting the shaft on the issue of agricultural subsidies. Senator Conrad never has any trouble absconding with poor Chuck Schumers’s lunch money. If President Obama ever forces the sainted "family farmers" to take a significant monetary haircut, I will drive to South Dakota and chisel his skinny mug on a soft rock as close to Mount Rushmore as I can get.
(Note: By no means am I endorsing Mr. Mencken’s intemperate insults--at least not all of them. I just think they’re funny.)
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